Miss Manners: The graduation invitation now sounds almost like a threat

DEAR MISS MANNERS Every graduation season my nonagenarian mother receives invitations to at least one graduation She has over grandchildren Related Articles Miss Manners Why do they doubt I m really an engineer Miss Manners What s the best way to dodge a fishy hug And what if they chase me Miss Manners Am I petty to think my neighbors parties are unfair to single people Miss Manners I don t want to sound so curt when they ask about wedding gifts Miss Manners Can I stop feeding my guests to get them to leave Last year she attended one college graduation an hour s drive away during which she was unable to see the graduates Another graduation farther away was missed with the parents blessing Now my niece is finishing her specialty in medicine and dearly wants my mother to attend the ceremony hours away by car My mother declined Now my sister and my sister-in-law the graduate s mother are pressuring her to go One of them communicated my mother that her spiritual adviser stated that turning down an invitation was insulting and hurtful and should never be done Well that s just nuts I m pretty annoyed Is my mother s refusal of this invitation a faux pas of exponential proportions as has been suggested GENTLE READER Imagine a world in which it was wrong to decline any invitation An acquaintance invites you to come over for a house-painting party A rejected lover invites you on a trip A teenager invites you to go skydiving Just nuts as you have already concluded So instead of brooding Miss Manners recommends explaining gently to your relatives that while your mother is gratified that they are eager to have her repeated urging though meant to be flattering is only making her feel bad that she is not physically up to going DEAR MISS MANNERS My husband and I have joined a fitness club The plan of the gym is that members do not talk on their phones in the workout area While there is very little of that several people do talk with each other and text on their phones The difficulty is they sit on the machines while doing so sometimes for five or minutes Since numerous of these people are more muscular and intimidating than we are is there a nonconfrontational way we can ask to use the equipment while they finish their conversation in another spot GENTLE READER Shouldn t you be nonconfrontational even toward people who are not capable of beating you up Miss Manners is grateful for anything that stops people from becoming belligerent which is what she gathers you mean by confrontational But she hopes there is something besides fear of violence preventing people from treating others harshly possibly respect the assumption of goodwill and the desire for a harmonious society The nonconfrontational approach in this event would be to say Excuse me are you still using this machine Should they refuse to move you should appeal to management but also politely Related Articles Dear Abby I heard my father-in-law sneak a woman into the basement Asking Eric I can t keep avoiding her but what my mother-in-law did was really hurtful Harriette Cole He s flaky and brooding but I can t stay away Miss Manners Why do they doubt I m really an engineer Dear Abby I realize now why the others refused to go on my sister s outings DEAR MISS MANNERS How do you fend off rude questions from co-workers such as That s a nice sweater Is it new They often like to scrutinize every thread and stitch on my apparel as they ask this question While I don t mind compliments about my clothes I do mind the judgment that follows these supposedly thoughtful remarks GENTLE READER Unless this is accompanied by a leer Miss Manners would consider it more tedious than intentionally rude But you can easily dismiss it with Thank you I m glad you like it Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www missmanners com to her email gentlereader missmanners com or through postal mail to Miss Manners Andrews McMeel Syndication Walnut St Kansas City MO