Asking Eric: I was discarded by my friend, and years later his memory still infuriates me

Dear Eric My daughter died in at the age of She had a chronic condition at the time and recovery was not available in the United States She died in Mexico at a top hospital Related Articles Asking Eric My sisters-in-law hijacked the dinner and created chaos in my house Asking Eric How can I help these kids without dealing with their awful dad Asking Eric My son s wife gets fancy meal kits and he has to cook for himself Asking Eric These old photos set me off and I revealed the truth about their sister Asking Eric My income has doubled since the divorce Do I owe my ex anything At the time she died I had a friend of nearly years He came to her funeral but the only time I have seen him since is at his father s funeral No personal contact other than the card sent on my birthday along with a package one year which I threw away without opening One of his siblings tried to intervene by telling me how sorry he is That didn t go well as I no longer speak to that person My anger is so great toward him that if I would see him in society I don t know what I would do Every time I see or come across something that reminds me of the things we did together I could explode I am still bitter and grief-stricken by her death so numerous years ago So what do you think Abandoned Friend Dear Friend I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter The intense grief has only been compounded by the loss of this friendship and for that I m sorry too From time to time in this column people write letters about not knowing what to say or do when a friend or loved one is grieving It s common to feel trapped not wanting to make things worse with the wrong words The guidance is dependably the same Just reach out I wish that your friend had heard this years ago You re justified in your anger But I want you to be free of this as much as viable so that you can continue to care for yourself One option is to acknowledge for yourself that your friend s behavior was hurtful that he didn t make the right choices and that it had real long-lasting consequences Then acknowledge that he s human and like us all prone to terrible mistakes Choose to release him not necessarily forgiving or forgetting just moving it to the past so that it s not dependably such a fresh wound Another option is to reach out to your friend directly and tell him I felt very hurt when you didn t reach out It was made worse by your continued distance over the last decade It s made my grief harder to confront This doesn t have to be a step on the path to reconciliation Sometimes we only have to have a conversation in which harm is conceded on both sides There may be nothing that can be done to make amends but you don t have to continue to relive this pain Dear Eric I love my job but there is another employee there who likes to confide life stories with me It makes me upset and uncomfortable I am a very compassionate person but these stories are sad and depressing which upsets my workday I try only to listen and not give any feedback They also have requested for information on how to improve their job skills to which I have offered suggestions only to have them come back to me stating that the boss suggested other ideas instead I would like suggestions on how to communicate with this person without hurting their feelings and keep the workday positive Coworker Struggle Dear Coworker A few professional distance will help here and stave off hurt feelings Let s start with the work advice Since your coworker seems to be crowdsourcing career guidance next time you re solicited redirect them I m not the best person to ask your boss will have a better understanding of your job functions and performance Or even more casually I m not the one handing out the raises so you re better off just going up the ladder While getting coaching from peers is a fine idea you didn t sign up for this A reminder of that itself could be helpful peer advice Understanding what s appropriate at work is crucial to job success Related Articles Miss Manners Heroes No these co-workers are selfish and inconsiderate Dear Abby Our sons are stand-up comedians and what they re doing isn t funny Asking Eric My sisters-in-law hijacked the dinner and created chaos in my house Harriette Cole I hate running Should I train for a marathon Miss Manners I don t want to lie and say her hair looks nice Having personal relationships at work can make the job easier and improve one s performance but if the relationship is distracting you or bringing you down you can pump the brakes by reminding your coworker about the standards and limits you ve set for yourself It s fine to be direct about this by saying Work isn t the best place to talk about this and I m not in the right space to hear it Can we shift gears You might even ask for a break in conversation altogether I can t talk a lot the present day I ve got too much work to do While the issue for you might be the depressing nature of these stories more broadly it will help your coworker to think through how much personal revelation is good for the workplace Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com